I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
The air was thick with penises
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
