He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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