I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
