i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
