I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
