when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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