Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
