you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
