yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
