That's intense
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
