Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
