This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
