My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
