Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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