Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
