So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
