Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
