Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
