I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
