Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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