i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Randomize
