Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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