it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I love you. Go after that dick
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
