Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
