I wannas sexs uuuuu
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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