Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
