why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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