I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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