if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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