Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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