I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
