I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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