I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
