Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
