Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
We are two peas in an std pod
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
