stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
