I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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