Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
