There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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