Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
