my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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