Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
