using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
