I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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