Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
