there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
ugly people sure do ruin things
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
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