My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
