why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
i dont even know how to be here
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
