Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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