Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
