How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
